My family gets involved

I have to say my parents were really on top of things for me even though they were 1000+ miles away. My mother or father called me every day, once I left the phone off the hook, or my dog JJ might have knocked it so I thought nothing of it when my phone did not ring for 3 days. When I happened to look at the phone in the corner I realized it had been off the hook and my parents had left 8-10 progressively frantic calls over the 3 day period, the next stop was my brother-in-law the police officer was going to call Boston and have them do a "welfare check". I really got chewed out for that one.
My brothers and sisters did call very regular, much more so than ever before, I'm from a very large family. Someone put a bug in my mother's ear that I should be going to "group", it became a period of time when they tag-teamed calling me every day, at least 2 calls a day from a sibling or my folks to "attend group". I was suffering from Agoraphobia* and nobody was listening, I did make attempts, but it was very difficult for me and I was not going enough to satisfy the repetitive requests from my family. The last time I went to group was a meeting @ The McLean Hospital, a psych facility I had gone to for my brain scan while doing drug trials. The difference this time was I was going by myself and not using transportation provided to me by the hospital.
I took 2 subways and a bus, I was sort of proud of myself, this was something that involved planning what trains to catch and the bus schedule, and I was leaving the safety of my home and dog. By the time I reached the bus stop outside of the hospital grounds it was 6:30 P.M. or so in New England during the winter, very dark, windy and wet. The road leading from the gate to hospital wound up a hill and had old growth trees hanging overhead. Let's set the stage, I'm scared of being outside, psychotic and it's dark and unfamiliar. Remember the scene in The Wizard Of Oz when they are making their way through the forest, imagine that at night with my symptoms. I was so scared, I was crying as I walked from shadow to shadow going up an entrance I had never been on before, so I did not know what was around each corner, it was realistically a very long driveway, and as a mentally ill person it was very, very frightening. I got to the meeting right before it was to start, sat down for 5 minutes and got out of there and used my very limited funds to take a taxi to the subway stop that would put me on the train to my house directly.
This was not a matter of not wanting to do what others wanted me to do, it was being so frightened that your muscles are aching because you are so anxious you are in a constant "fight or flight" mode. Grinding your teeth with such great pressure 2 teeth actually shattered in my mouth. I am someone who has had 1 cavity his whole life, these were not diseased teeth, they just could not bare the pressure.
I tried on more type of gathering to get me in a "group" setting, Adult Psychiatric Daycare. The Commonwealth Of Massachusetts thought it was wise to mix severely mentally ill adults with people who had gotten busted for drunk driving or for drug offenses. Look at this picture, psychotic, depressed, men and women diagnosed with Schizophrenia and personality disorders being put in the same rooms and discussion groups as repeat offenders who are just getting their 160 hours of attendance out of the way. Looking back I feel it was the stupidest thing I had ever seen in my life. I went for a week and 2 days.
My saving grace was walking around one block with my dog, and than 2 blocks, than 2 blocks over and 2 blocks up, covering more and more area as time went by. People began to recognize JJ and I, I found a triangle shaped park that JJ could run and run and speed past me as I tried to touch his tail or back. There was a little corner store that was next to it and as time passed I spent my last Spring, Summer and Fall before moving to Colorado sitting on plastic chairs outside with the guys or sitting inside for a minute or two when it was cold. There was some really nice guys, Peter Bonjourno was the coolest one of them all, a Bosnian War military vet with the U.S. Army who was thinking joining up again because there was nothing for him in East Boston. He always treated me with the most kindness and JJ loved him, he would spend the whole time outside the store hanging with Peter and than when it was time to go he'd jump up and give Peter a kiss and come with me to go home. The guy who owned the corner store, Franco, who also named the store after himself was a wanna-be Italian gangster type, he spoke with this affected speech that made him sound like an extra on The Sopranos, but he was just a 25-26 y/o kid who lived at home with his mom and dad and his parents spoke simply with a Boston accent, no Mafioso edge to it. You would never beleive he was their son, but he was a cream-puff that was trying to be .38 Special...whatever.
I'll talk about the store later, it was a good time and also some really bad times as well.



*Agoraphobia is a fear of being in places where help might not be available. It usually involves fear of crowds, bridges, or of being outside alone.